Cellphones and The Almighty

"Meinhart the Lutheran" gets the urge to speak for God:

As you may or may not know, Lutherans are actually the Chosen People of God – just ask any Lutheran. I was raised in a Lutheran household and, while I may have strayed from the Church in recent decades, I still consider myself to be, like, one of God’s top ten or twelve favorite people in all of creation.

It is for the above stated reason that I feel uniquely qualified to comment on God’s opinion of mankind’s cellphone usage: It maketh him most wrathful! Now, he is not upset that folks are smashing up their cars or walking into traffic whilst absorbed in their wireless communication (on the contrary; more souls to snicker at as they burn in eternal hell fires!) What God finds most displeasing about our Nextels and Nokias are the blasted ring tones. You see, God created cellphones to have one ring-tone for life and one ring-tone only. It was not his intention for a phone to one day ring “ Caribbean ” and the next day “Smack Dat” – it is unnatural and maketh a very un-joyous noise unto the Lord.

If you require any further clarification of Our Father’s wishes, and I am not available for comment, please consider the following prayer.

Lead me oh, Lord. Lead me.
Lead me in thy righteousness.
Maketh the best service plan clear before my face
For it is you and you alone oh, Lord
Who leadeth me to dwell in extra minutes.

May the Lord bless thee and keep thee.
May he make his face to shine upon thy coverage area and be gracious unto thee.
May he lift up his countenance upon thee
And give thee a connection.

Amen